Incarna: The Text Adventure

"Docking Permission Granted"

2011-09-27T18:28:00.001+01:00

Aura's oft repeated statement is still ringing in your ears as your blurred vision comes into focus.

You shake off your confusion at being instantly out of your capsule, dry and fully clothed and you take in your surroundings.

You find yourself standing on a tritanium alloy balcony looking down an industrious metal walkway leading to an open door. Above the door is the symbol of this station's owning corporation. The room beyond is bathed in the flickering light of an active holoscreen. A draught plays across the back of your neck.

What would you like to do now?

2011-09-27T18:25:00.002+01:00

Any tampering with this station door button generates the message "Station atmosphere not yet decontaminated for capsuleer consumption."

Investigate something else.

2011-09-27T18:21:00.005+01:00

At the end of the short, dark corridor is a heavy metal door that appears to be sealed shut. To the right is a door entry device with a glowing red display .

Investigate something else.

2011-09-27T18:17:00.002+01:00

As exciting as these potentially explosive objects seemed at first, closer investigation reveals them to be disappointingly empty and have been converted for use as foot-stools and/or general storage containers.

Investigate something else.

2011-09-27T18:11:00.003+01:00

"All of our operators are currently busy, but your call is important to us, please hold or try again later."

2011-09-27T17:56:00.013+01:00

The intercom speakers crackle to life and a tinny-voiced recording speaks;

"This is the Capsuleer Care and Protection line, we aim to fulfil your every need. Which service would you like:

Press 1 for ROOM SERVICE
Press 2 for CONCIERGE
Press 3 for TECHNICAL SUPPORT"

Terminate service.

2011-09-27T17:41:00.004+01:00

You attempt to change the atmosphere settings, but there is a bleep and the following message appears;

"ERROR. ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS ARE AT OPTIMUM AND HAVE BEEN LOCKED BY ANOTHER PROCESS. PLEASE CONTACT TECHNICAL SUPPORT."

Will you:

2011-09-27T17:30:00.004+01:00

This digital readout appears to serve as both the atmosphere controls for your quarters and an intercom for ordering room service and contacting the concierge.

Would you like to:

2011-09-27T17:25:00.000+01:00

This dual-screen display seems to be a medical assessment device with tools for managing clones, implants and boosters.

It appears to be malfunctioning at present as it is insistent that you are pregnant. The device is either wrong or there has been a mishap with your last clone production and you are both the father and the mother of your unborn child. If you haven't got a uterus, immediate medical attention is recommended. If you have, congratulations.

Investigate something else.

2011-09-27T17:17:00.003+01:00

There are two digital panels in your Captain's Quarters. Which would you like to investigate?

2011-09-27T17:03:00.003+01:00

This disgusting alcove doesn't look like it's been touched for weeks. The last resident was clearly a smoker and this was his favourite smoking spot. The bare single mattress is stained nicotine yellow and the shelves above are littered with discarded drinks-cans and soiled ashtrays. Two folders sit innocently on one shelf.

Investigate something else.

2011-09-27T16:56:00.000+01:00

The vent sits high on the wall and out of reach above the full-length mirror. The gas has an odd smell that's not entirely unpleasant, but gives you the overwhelming urge to spend money. And wow, you're looking good today, but you could do with some new threads.

Just check yourself out in the mirror and buy, buy, buy.

2011-09-27T16:49:00.005+01:00

This mirror looks like most expensive thing in the room. You're not sure why, you just get the unsettling feeling that it wants your money.

A sidebar display appears to show some biorhythm data, but interacting with the mirror in any way opens up your wardrobe options. Sophisticated nano-tailors allow you to change clothes without moving a muscle.

You can't help but notice you look good in anything, so why not buy a skirt, some thigh-length boots and a monocle. You know you could make it work. Wait, is this mirror messing with your mind using filthy subliminal messaging and hypnotism techniques?

Quick, stop looking at yourself and investigate something else.

2011-09-27T16:38:00.006+01:00

This is a coffee table and not a particularly stylish one at that. It's harsh edges and sharp corners certainly aren't baby- or drunk-friendly. Upon the coffee table is an interactive holoprojection of your vessel, a holopad hardwired to display an Agent Finder service, and a dirty ashtray.

Investigate something else.

YOU WIN!

2011-09-27T16:29:00.004+01:00

You sit down on the mundane-looking sofa and feel an overwhelming sense of achievement as you successfully discover the Secret Animation of Sitting. Now you can enjoy your victory by looking around your quarters from a slightly different perspective, resplendent on your couch and confident that you are the baddest dude in the room.

Remain seated to enjoy your victory or investigate something else.

2011-09-27T16:23:00.002+01:00

The sofa seems to have been based on a park bench aesthetic and smells just as bad. Although there are no obvious stains there a parts of it that are sticky. At either end of the couch, there are some unnecessary looking protuberances masquerading as useful surfaces. They look specifically designed to take chunks out of shins.

2011-09-27T16:15:00.007+01:00

The three impressive-looking holoscreens occupy a large portion of one wall. The two smaller lateral screens remain on static images of your corporation logo and a planetary symbol respectively. The widescreen central display is cycling silently through a number of images and information bulletins. There does not seem to be a volume control or a porn channel. You scratch your head.

Investigate something else.

2011-09-27T16:06:00.021+01:00

Standing in the central mezzanine of your quarters, you survey the surrounding room. It's hardly the Metropolis Ritz. The decor ranges from dreary to non-existent (along with the ceiling panels) and there is little evidence of the last time a cleaner was in, if ever.

Three large holoscreens take up the far wall and an uncomfortable looking couch sits before them in the centre of the room. Immediately in front of the couch is a coffee table with a number of devices upon it. In the far corner is a full-length mirror with a suspicious gas leaking from a vent immediately above it. An unmade single bed, apparently stain-free, resides in an alcove. There are digital display panels on both sides of the room and a number of 425mm ammunition bins are scattered around.

Off to one side is a short corridor leading to a closed door and immediately behind you is the open doorway leading to the ramp and balcony.

In order to interact with anything in your Captain's Quarters, simply click the appropriate word in the description above.

2011-09-27T15:13:00.003+01:00

With all this ramp walking, you wonder why the designers didn't build the rooms a little closer to the balconies. It would have been a much more efficient use of space, but then again it explains why you never see a fat capsuleer. You begin to trudge back up the ramp toward the balcony.

Will you:

2011-09-27T15:03:00.003+01:00

As you amble back up the ramp, you speculate on the whereabouts of other, similar capsuleer balconies. You idly wonder whether their are sniper weapons available in the station gift shop.

Will you:

2011-09-27T14:44:00.005+01:00

You are standing in the doorway of your Captain's Quarters. Above the opening is the symbol of the corporation claiming ownership of this station. Despite the obvious security issues and the aforementioned draught, there doesn't seem to be any way of closing the door. Looking in through the doorway you can see a dingily-lit Minmatar-themed bedsit. Looking back out of the doorway you see the alloy ramp leading up to the balcony and beyond to your waiting ship.

What would you like to do:

2011-09-27T10:51:00.002+01:00

You just don't get it do you? Things have changed around here. Don't think you can just do something sensible and expect it to work. THIS IS INNOVATION!

Ship spinning is history, deal with it.

Will you:

2011-09-27T10:41:00.001+01:00

Walking uphill is slow isn't it. You take your time to admire the neo-industrial aesthetic of this short walkway. I hope you're not in a rush to undock for any reason.

2011-09-27T10:35:00.006+01:00

Still walking. Isn't this fun? Don't worry, we're nearly there. It really didn't look this far from the top.

Will you:

2011-09-27T10:33:00.003+01:00

Interacting with the holographic image of your ship activates a visual menu enabling you to access some of the ship interface options, but not all of them. If you want to rename your ship, use any of the Orca facilities or do anything else slightly advanced, you're going to have to find another way to do it.

Oh and by the way, don't try to interact with your actual ship, that would be silly. You're not in your pod now and therefore no longer neurally connected to it. And just how long do you think your arms are?

Will you:

2011-09-27T10:30:00.003+01:00

Returning to your capsule is probably a good idea. Things seemed to be getting hotter and hotter and you couldn't shake the feeling you were wading through treacle.

You now stand at the top of the ladder leading down to your awaiting capsule. Cloudy tendrils of gas roil invitingly from the open pod cowling. Beside you on the railing you notice an inconspicuous sign with three gently glowing chevrons.

What will you do now?

YOU WIN!

2011-09-27T10:27:00.006+01:00

You reach out, touch the chevrons and instantly black out. Suddenly you sense you are back in your capsule and are undocking.

Congratulations, you are now Flying in Space.

Please minimise this window and consult the FiS interface in order to continue flying in space or click >here< to dock again.

ERROR!

2011-09-27T10:22:00.004+01:00

I'm sorry, you are inexplicably incapable of performing this action. Perhaps you have a disability or maybe you're just really lazy.

Please select the 'back' option in your browser and try to make a more reasonable decision.

2011-09-27T10:20:00.008+01:00

You are walking... very... slowly... down... the... ramp. You're clearly not in a rush. Your head itches so you have a bit of a scratch.

Do you:

2011-09-27T10:15:00.010+01:00

OMG! What a view!

You could never get tired of watching your spaceship floating in a vast open hangar with no obvious exits. No wonder it's draughty, with a big old vacuum like that outside your hotel suite. Thank the stars for invisible atmosphere bubbles. You idly wonder where they keep everyone else's spaceships.

Anyway, once you're over the shock of the view, you investigate the balcony and spy your open capsule beneath you on a platform at the bottom of a ladder you don't recall climbing. To your right is a console with a holographic representation of your ship.

What would you like to do now?

2011-09-27T10:13:00.004+01:00

You begin walking down the ramp. Your footsteps make an impressively authentic metallic noise as you walk. You are walking very slowly.

What would you like to do now?

"Docking Permission Granted"

2011-09-27T09:52:00.010+01:00

2011-09-26T20:28:00.003+01:00

This holopad is a device commonly used for browsing GALNET portals and other library resources. This one has been hardwired to show corporation agents willing to give you menial and repetitive jobs that might get you killed.

2011-09-26T20:03:00.007+01:00

The glowing translucent image of your ship rotates idly. You speculate what it would be like to look upon your actual ship in the same manner. You can access your cargo and fittings from here.

2010-10-04T16:33:00.002+01:00

...you awake with a jolt in your new clone.

As you regain your faculties you fight down the primeval urge to panic at the sensation of breathing fluid into your lungs. The tranquil weightlessness of floating in the amniotic fluid of the maturation tank feels familiar and you allow the disorientation of the consciousness transfer to pass before opening your eyes. You know your new stomach has no contents to disgorge, but it is still best to follow procedure to minimise the nausea.

You open your eyes and allow them a moment to focus through the blur of the fluid onto the unexpected yellow square on the plexiglass in front of you. You can make out hurriedly scribbled handwriting on a post-it note. Squinting, it reads,

"Dear Capsuleer,

Due to the QuafePants Superbug epidemic, this cloning facility has been evacuated and we have been instructed not to return for at least three months. You will be perfectly fine in your tank and we will release you as soon as it is safe to do so.

We apologise for the inconvenience.

The Clone Guys."

THE END

(YOU ARE A LOSER)

2010-10-04T16:21:00.007+01:00

You hurl yourself over the railings and into the vast emptiness of the starship hangar. Your stomach lurches and the air whistles past tearing at your clothes as the distant hangar floor hurtles closer.

A station security drone appears and matches your descent velocity. As it speaks, you realise it's cold, metallic voice will be the last you ever hear.

"CAPSULEER, YOUR RIGHT TO SUICIDE HAS BEEN RECOGNISED AND THE COST OF THE CLEAN-UP WILL BE DEDUCTED FROM YOUR WALLET BALANCE. THIS FACILITY HEREBY CLAIMS ALL SALVAGE RIGHTS TO ANY RECOVERABLE TISSUES AND ORGANS AFTER IMPACT. PLEASE STATE IF YOU DO NOT AG..."

---SPLAT---

2010-10-04T16:13:00.002+01:00

Are you sure? It's a long way down and this could really hurt. What if you change your mind half-way down. you'll feel really silly.

2010-10-04T15:59:00.007+01:00

This vast open hangar is a cavernous feat of massive construction. In the very centre your ship rotates lazily, suspended in a repulsor field. Beneath and above you can see the local hover-car traffic zooming along causeways as the millions of station denizens eke out their miserable existences.

Staring out at the myriad of twinkling lights signifying offices, storehouses and accommodation you realise how meaningless everything is. Faced with being trapped forever in your quarters it occurs to you how it would be easier just to end it all now. Peering over the edge of your balcony you see the floor of the hangar hundreds of metres below.

Will you:

2010-10-03T14:35:00.003+01:00

Ned pauses thoughtfully for a period. "It's dangerous out there you know. We're not sure how the Quafepants Superbug will affect you, but I suppose it'll be an interesting test. If I help you, neither myself of Capsuleer Care and Protection can be held responsible for the consequences."

"I can't actually open your quarters from here, but if you go to your door, you'll notice there is a a tiny green button immediately to the right of the "glowing red display". Pressing that should reset and test the door mechanism, giving you the opportunity to get out."

"Oh and watch out for the rogue GMs."

The call terminates.

Go back to the intercom menu.

2010-10-03T13:51:00.009+01:00

Ned sighs, "What went wrong recently? Oh everything. Someone hacked our clothes-store pricing database and added some zeroes, causing an uproar with our customers. The thing is, some capsuleers were stupid enough to buy items at those mistakenly overinflated prices, so now the marketing department thinks they're onto something."

"On top of that, a new brand of toilet paper called 'Fearless' we trialled in the staff toilets accidentally got installed in the public facilities, which led to some problems."

"Then our mighty leader was misquoted into challenging the entire galaxy to "put their money where their mouth is", which they did."

"It was a perfect storm that lead to the mute paralysis of the entirety of Capsuleer Care and Protection, so we fired up the bat-signal and called the CSM. Things worked out well apart from the underpant issue."

Your response:

2010-10-03T13:39:00.004+01:00

Ned explains, "The CSM is the Council of Stellar Management. They are a team of superheroes that roam the galaxy righting wrongs and 'putting it to da man'. They also moonlight as a dance-troupe in strip clubs. When they aren't fighting crime or getting oiled up and cavorting naked in seedy bars, they help us out here at Capsuleer Care and Protection when things go wrong. Like recently."

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T13:20:00.010+01:00

"Trebor Daehdoow is one of the members of the CSM, some say he is old and wise, others say he's just a mad old bugger that scribbles a lot and that the rest of the CSM only keep him around to poke fun at him. He goes to ridiculous lengths to get people to like him, but I have no knowledge of his undergarment habits."

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T12:46:00.011+01:00

Ned sighs, "Well we thought we had fixed it, having voided every contaminated deck twice, but the gas keeps coming back. Our scientists analysing the particles are working on the current hypothesis that anaerobic bacteria has mutated as a result of Trebor wearing his underpants continuously for over a week. To survive, the bacteria learned to coat itself in the material the underpants were made of. This may have resulted in a super bacteria that is essentially wearing tiny Quafe underpants and can generate it's own atmosphere. They are still unsure what effect the gas will have on human physiology."

"I hope that answer is sufficient. I really can't tell you any more."

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T12:30:00.001+01:00

Ned laughs, "Actually, that's not a leak, it's working as intended. That is a complimentary mood-enhancing pleasure gas shipped in from Luminaire. It's perfectly safe and legal. In fact it is very healthy as it includes nutrients that could sustain you for quite a while in the absence of food. Oh and it contains designer psychotropes to make you want to buy clothes. Which is also legal. Mostly.

Anything else I can help you with?"

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T12:01:00.013+01:00

Ned explains, "Well, you see, the problem with the atmosphere controls for your room is related to the possible presence of toxic gas outside in the corridor. The atmosphere scrubbers are on emergency purge mode just to prevent the gas from leaking in. So I'm afraid we can't let you play around with it. Bad things might happen."

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T03:35:00.011+01:00

"There are no balcony doors I'm afraid. That's a feature, it's supposed to be like that. Our studies have shown that installing doors makes capsuleers irrationally angry, so we try to keep them to a minimum. Maybe if you head down to the concourse you can find a nice bead curtain.

Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T03:24:00.014+01:00

"Oh it's been a nightmare. We called the CSM over for a bit of a chat about some stuff that we might have totally fucked up a bit. They got really angry and threw their Quafe underpants we gave them into the atmosphere scrubbers. Ever since then we've been getting this peculiar gas polluting the Captain's Quarters decks and triggering the door safety seals. We just can't be certain what the effect of inhaling vapourised CSM underpants particles is."

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T03:05:00.023+01:00

WELL DONE, YOU GOT THROUGH THE DOOR.

It slams shut behind you, leaving you in the dim, foreboding dark corridor. Finally you see the sense in having such a grubby Captain's Quarters. The rest of the station looks like such a shit-hole your room was in fact a clever form of acclimatisation to prevent culture shock. Logic in the madness indeed.

Now suffer the agonising wait for more content that will take us forever to develop. If it's any consolation, know that you are supremely full of the most awesome winsauce and are champion of all that is texty. Go tell your friends how great you are. Preferably outside, in the sunshine. Maybe get some exercise whilst you're there. You deserve it.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WIN!

THE END

P.S. We would have rewarded you with a stunningly clever victory song like in Portal but as you know, EVE doesn't have sound.

P.P.S. But feel free to whistle if you like.

P.P.P.S. However, if you insist on a reward, we have something very special that we know you'll love. Follow the breadcrumbs...

Your special treat is down here somewhere.

You're going to love it.

It's going to be awesome.

EPIC even.

That's right, it's a new font. Yay, I bet all your dreams have come true. Don't say we never treat you.

See you in "Incarna: Escape From Captains Quarters".

Thanks for reading.

Drop us a line on >this thread at Freebooted< to let me know you're a winner and to tell me what you thought.

Seismic Stan

2010-10-03T03:02:00.013+01:00

"Mmmphff- shorry. M've gocht a mowph phuwll owf cake. Mwun mo." More munching, then, "Sorry about that, it's been absolutely manic down here in Tech Support and I've not been able to stop for lunch. Anyway, you're through to Capsuleer Care and Protection, my name is Ned from Technical Support. How can I be of assistance?"

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T02:58:00.003+01:00

You press the tiny reset button with a satisfying click. The door control unit bleeps several times and the readout screen goes blank for a moment before flashing green.

To your immense pleasure, the door to your quarters slides open with a hiss to reveal a long, dimly lit corridor leading into the bowels of the station. An ominous hum emanates from the distant darkness.

A peculiar smell wafts in.

Will you:

2010-10-03T02:31:00.006+01:00

There is a long delay as you wait for the line to connect, then there is a click and the sound of noisy eating crunches through the intercom speakers.

Do you:

2010-10-03T02:12:00.002+01:00

"Perhaps. Let me see what I can do for you... ah, we seem to have had a lot of cancellations and ragequits recently so there are plenty of empty suites, but we've had a lot of dirty protests and penis graffiti from the quitters. Give me a few minutes to make some arrangements and I'll call you back with a turd- and cock-free upgrade."

The call terminates.

Go back to the intercom menu.

2010-10-03T02:07:00.004+01:00

"I'm sorry you feel that way about the decor, our interior designers spent years working on it and they were insistent that Minmatar trend-setters would die for a crib like that."

Your response:

2010-10-03T02:03:00.003+01:00

"Well I'm terribly sorry about your... inconvenience. There are public toilet facilities in every corridor on the station, you could always use those."

Your response:

2010-10-03T02:01:00.005+01:00

"I'm sorry. It was my understanding that capsuleers did not -ahem- purge themselves in the traditional manner and that all bodily waste was dealt with through homeostatic rebalancing in the capsule environment. You don't need toilets."

Your response:

2010-10-03T01:58:00.005+01:00

"Oh dear, has the door mechanism jammed again? I'll pass your issue on to the Technical Support team. Would you like me to put you through to them or are you happy to leave it with me?"

Your response:

2010-10-03T01:54:00.002+01:00

"I'm very sorry about that sir. I will get onto Room Service right away and get them to send you some complimentary cuisine. Please call back if there are any further issues."

With that, the call is terminated.

Return to intercom menu.

2010-10-03T01:47:00.004+01:00

Stevie's tone is genuine and sympathetic,

"I'm sorry to hear that you are having problems. What is the nature of your complaint?"

Your response:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T01:18:00.005+01:00

------ FACILITIES ------

EATERIES AND BARS

A wide variety of eateries and bars can be found on all concourse decks. Some are station-run facilities, others are privately owned, all are top-quality. There's something for everyone.

Today's recommended venues are:

'Voices' Cocktail bar and live music venue - Deck 74A

'Reckless' Bar and grill - Deck 22D

'Nalon's New Sours' Liquor bar - Deck 165A

'Noisy Max's Star Bar' Comedy club and restaurant - Deck 9B

'Arkenor Brekfast' Astrogeology-themed all-day breakfasts - Deck 47B

> Return to facilities menu.

----------------------

or:

Investigate something else.

2010-10-03T01:08:00.004+01:00

------ FACILITIES ------

SPORTS FACILITIES

Visit our custom gym facilities, designed by Col. Roc Wieler, go for a swim in our zero-gravity rolling-tide pool or try your hand at station-surfing with our highly-trained experts. Every one of our sports facilities are equipped with fully customisable holocourts adaptable to any kind of sport. Use one of the preset court-types or design one of your own.

New this year:

Mechanoid Arena - Pilot your own combat-fitted MTAC in one-on-one or team competitions. No deliberate cockpit-crushing.

Holoship combat - the latest craze that's sweeping the cluster. Try out any ship with any loadout or design a vessel of your own from the comfort of any suitably equipped bar.

Sports Liaison Offices are available on the following decks: 14A, 23A, 68C, 137A and 184D.

> Return to facilities menu.

----------------------

or:

Investigate something else.

2010-10-03T00:58:00.023+01:00

The intercom bleeps and displays the following:

--- FACILITIES MENU ---

> Return to service menu.

---------------------

or:

Investigate something else.

2010-10-03T00:53:00.008+01:00

------ FACILITIES ------

CORPORATE SUITES

Our state-of-the-art facilities accommodate the needs of all manner of organisations. From intimate diplomacy suites and private boardrooms to presentation auditoria and event arenas, your corporation and alliance needs can be met.

Visit one of our Corporate Facilities Liaison offices on decks 14A, 38A, 68C, 137B and 181A.

> Return to facilities menu.

----------------------

or:

Investigate something else.

2010-10-03T00:47:00.018+01:00

"We take great pride in offering a wide variety of station services for your use and enjoyment. I have uploaded a list of currently available services to your intercom display. Please select one for further information."

"All facilities are available twenty-four-hours-a-day and no prior booking is required for capsuleers. Just visit the venue of your choice and the staff will do everything they can to accommodate you."

"I'll leave you to browse but please call back if there is anything else I can help you with."

The call ends.

The intercom display bleeps and displays the following options:

--- FACILITIES MENU ---

> Return to service menu.

-----------------------

or:

Investigate something else.

2010-10-03T00:34:00.008+01:00

"Hello, you are through to Capsuleer Care and Protection, I am your concierge Stevie. How may I be of service to you today?"

How will you respond:

Say:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-03T00:24:00.003+01:00

"Don't take that tone with me. If you want to make a complaint you'll have to speak to the concierge."

The line goes dead.

Back to the intercom menu.

2010-10-03T00:12:00.011+01:00

"I'm sorry, if you mean what I think you mean, we don't offer that kind of service. You'll have to go down to the entertainment decks for that kind of thing.

Is there anything else I can help you with?"

2010-10-03T00:03:00.001+01:00

"Ooh, in the mood for protein are you? I can sort you right out. You can't beat a good bit of meat inside you, eh?

It'll be right up there."

With that, the line goes dead.

Back to the intercom menu.

2010-10-02T23:56:00.004+01:00

There's a bit of a problem with that recipe I'm afraid. The only thing we've got left to flavour it with is Fedo extract, so I hope that'll be alright for you.

It'll be right up."

With that, the line goes dead.

Back to the intercom menu.

2010-10-02T23:47:00.001+01:00

"Ooh, watching your figure are you? Don't blame you love, you know what they say; 'a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips'.

I'll have that right up."

With that, the line goes dead.

Back to the intercom menu.

2010-10-02T23:14:00.016+01:00

"It's the chef's night off, so we're only doing snacks at the moment I'm afraid. We can do you a Lirsautton noodle soup, a Civire salad, a Mishi Mash or a Sebiestor Slab. Do any of those tickle your fancy?"

If you want to order food, choose from the above food options or say:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-02T23:14:00.006+01:00

"Ooh, you're brave. I can never get used to the idea of eating live insects with my noodles. Still, those Jin-Mei are a funny bunch. To each, their own.

Your Lirsautton noodle soup will be right up."

With that, the line goes dead.

Back to the intercom menu.

2010-10-02T23:03:00.015+01:00

A disinterested and camp male voice speaks with a slight lisp,

"Capsuleer Care and Protection. You're through to Room Service, this is Adrian speaking. How can I help you?"

Say:

or:

Hang up.

2010-10-02T22:24:00.012+01:00

2010-10-02T21:53:00.002+01:00

--- PLANETARY INTERACTION INTERFACE ---

You click. Clickety-click-click. Clicking is fun. We like clicking. Some menus open and dive for cover behind some windows. You click some more. Click. Click. Click. Do you need a new mouse yet?

2010-10-02T21:43:00.009+01:00

This giant widescreen is the central resource for all capsuleer information. Features of particular note are the learner pilot warning system (nobody likes to get stuck behind them in narrow spacelanes) and the tickertape newsfeeds that occasionally display up-to-date news items, even if it can't be bothered to finish sentences.

There does not appear to be a way to change the channel, however you're in luck, Clear Skies 3 has just started.

2010-10-02T21:25:00.007+01:00

--- PLANETARY INTERACTION INTERFACE ---

You watch with satisfaction as your security forces deploy ground troops, mobile gunships and hovertanks. Within seconds the entire picket line is eviscerated in a hail of gloriously over-the-top weapons fire.

A message arrives from your planetary affairs supervisor;

"Protest eradicated. Staff redistribution in progress. Planetary goods production resuming shortly."

2010-10-02T21:09:00.010+01:00

--- PLANETARY INTERACTION INTERFACE ---

Your negotiator has been deployed. Check back later to view his progress.

2010-10-02T21:01:00.013+01:00

--- PLANETARY INTERACTION INTERFACE ---

The display zooms down to a view of a nearby planetary surface. The camera pans across the stunning landscape before focusing in on your Colony Command Centre.

A message appears stating; "WARNING: Planetary resource production at a standstill. Employee strike action in progress."

There appears to be a picket line of employees assembled outside the main Colony Command building. They are waving banners with slogans such as "We R bored.", "U suk!", "Fix this NAOW!" and "IBC".

2010-10-02T20:42:00.009+01:00

The screen flickers briefly onto your corporation info portal before locking up. A few moments later the following message appears;

"ERROR: THIS DISPLAY DEVICE HAS OVERHEATED. REBOOTING SYSTEM..."

2010-10-02T20:40:00.006+01:00

This is an ashtray. It is dirty.

2010-10-02T20:31:00.016+01:00

Looking through the list of missions, they all have a horribly familiar ring to them. That bloody stupid Damsel has got herself into trouble again, Enemies are still Abound, the gate is still Blockaded and the Angels just won't stop with the Extravaganzas. There might not be much to do in this room, but surely even you aren't that bored.

Do yourself a favour and investigate something else.